Twilight
by Beverii
Summary: Xanxus reads Twilight. Squalo finds out the entire Varia has read it. Oneshot, CRACKKKKKKKK. Utterly stupid and pointless. Try not to read if you like Twilight. Rated T for Squalo's mouth.


**AN: You know those kind of times when you just feel like writing something stupid and lame and pretty much filled with crack?**

**Yeah, I think this is one of the times for me right now.

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"Twilight"

Xanxus was the almighty badass boss of the most badass assassination squad ever known to man. If you looked up "awesome" or "mind blowing" in the dictionary, Xanxus' face would be there. Just his face. No words or anything. Just. His. _Face._

But sometimes, even the most manly and badass people have their guilty pleasures...or the times when their curiousity gets the better of them.

Well, for Xanxus, it started off as an accident. It all happened one day, when the mansion was quiet, which was rare. The entire Varia went off for a very short get-together trip, and Xanxus simply refused to go and would rather stay indoors and drink liquor and shit. The boss walked around the mansion, trying to find something to occupy himself with.

He entered the library, the place where Lussuria would be frequently found at. Of course, under the 'Romance' or 'Drama' section. Out of curiosity, Xanxus decided to pick out the book Lussuria had been reading lately, entitled "Twilight."

_What the hell is so good about this book?_ The almighty, manly boss asked himself as he pulled out the book carefully from the oak wood shelf. The book was relatively thick, and the cover page was black with...two hands wrapped around an apple. The title was typed on top of it in small letters. Seemed interesting enough for Xanxus.

And so, the rest of his afternoon was spent reading that book in his quiet office. He was pretty engrossed in it, to the extent he didn't even notice that the Varia had came back from the trip. He only did notice when he heard the infamous "VOI!" coming from his second in command.

He hadn't even had a chance to flip to the 13th chapter when Squalo threw open his office door. "Damn it, Xanxus! The trip was fucking horri-Holy _shit_. What the _**FUCK **_are you reading!" The silverette stared at the book in his boss' hands. Xanxus shifted his eyes to the man standing by the door, his eyes widened in shock and his mouth practically opening and closing like a goldfish. He had never seen his second in command like that before.

Squalo couldn't even register what was going on. For one moment, he hoped he was dreaming and hoped to wake up from this horrid, HORRID nightmare. His badass boss was reading Twilight. _Fucking __**Twilight.**_ It was like the years of knowing his boss had gone down the drain, like he never knew his boss at all.

"...Xanxus. I'm going to ask you just one...ONE question." Squalo silently closed the door, walked towards the desk and slammed both hands flat on the table. "Are. You. Okay?" He asked, eyes locking onto his boss.

Xanxus frowned at his subordinate, acting like reading Twilight was nothing out of the ordinary. "Of course I'm fine, trash. Its not like its a weird thing to see me read." He bluntly stated, going back to the book.

Squalo flailed. He just...flailed. "No Xanxus..it's not like that. Bu-But..." He stuttered, something he hardly ever does, his voice getting softer. And he just blew, "XANXUS! ITS TWILIGHT. ITS FUCKING TWILIGHT. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS!"

"Its a fucking book." Xanxus deadpanned, Squalo's loud and obnoxious voice not affecting him the slightest bit. Squalo threw his hands in the air, and stormed towards the door, "Fine. FINE. Go on reading about sparkly vampires and go on reading that...THING. It's...A FUCKING ABOMINATION TO THE HUMAN RACE. IT'S BEEN NICE KNOWING YOU, XANXUS. IT'S BEEN VERY,_ VERY_ NICE KNOWING YOU!" Just like that, Squalo slammed the door.

Xanxus simply shrugged, and went back to the book. Little did he know about what the book contained as he continued.

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The next day didn't start off too good for Xanxus. He woke up, feeling giddy and lethargic as he made his way towards the bathroom. "Fucking book." He muttered as he splashed water onto his face.

After getting washed up, he staggered, yes staggered, down to the dining room to see the Varia, except Squalo, already prepared for Lussuria's breakfast. "Boss~ You don't look so good!" Lussuria commented, as he gave Mammon two slices of bacon. "What happened, Boss?" Levi asked, concerned for Xanxus.

Xanxus groaned, and threw himself on his luxurious seat and dropped his head smack on the table. "WELL WHAT DID I TELL YOU!" A loud voice boomed from the doorway. "I TOLD YOU THAT THING WAS AN ABOMINATION TO THE HUMAN RACE! You look like you've got run over by a fucking CAR, Xanxus!" Squalo yelled, holding up the book in his hands.

The boss groaned as he lifted his head from the table. Lussuria placed his hands on his chin, surprised at what Squalo was holding in his hands. "Squ-chan! So that's where my book went!" Lussuria exclaimed, running up to him to retrieve his property.

"VOI! Lussuria! Don't tell me you've been reading it too!" Squalo yelled again, willingly throwing the 'abomination' into Lussuria's gloved hands. Lussuria pouted, "Aw Squ-chan. You don't know? The entire Varia has read it except...well if I'm not wrong, considering Boss' state right now, Boss has read it...so that means you're the only one who hasn't read it yet."

Squalo turned pale and froze. He just stared at the gay person in front of him. Fine, Lussuria reading it wasn't really very awkward. But..Everyone in the Varia.

"It was corny." Levi bluntly stated. "For an international bestseller, I thought it would be good." Mammon commented as he shoved a piece of bacon into his tiny mouth. "Ushishishi~ The prince found it hilarious." Bel laughed at the thought of the book itself.

Xanxus didn't even need to say anything. His current state already showed what he thought of the books. Squalo looked at everyone, before looking back to Lussuria. Lussuria simply smiled at the shark, and waved the book in his face. "You know you want to~" He cooed.

Squalo couldn't take it anymore. He just COULDN'T. He lifted up his sword and just _slashed_ that thing to pieces. The papers flew everywhere as he screamed his head off. After yelling one more "VOIII!", he stormed back to his room, losing his appetite and wanting some time away from...those guys who have read the abomination.

Lussuria stared at the doorway and turned back to his family members."I forgot to tell him I had the next three installments..."

"ARGHHHHHH!" Xanxus kicked the table roughly, sending all the plates and glasses crashing onto the floor. He broke almost everything breakable in the dining room, before heading up to the library, both guns in his hands and already charging his Flame of Wrath.

The rest of the family stared in awe at the doorway. Lussuria pouted.

"Was the book really _that_ bad...?"

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**AN: To be honest, I had almost the same reaction as Xanxus when I read Twilight. I couldn't get any sleep after I read the 13th chapter and I think I came to school with panda eyes. **

**Uh, I don't know what I was thinking while I wrote this. LOL. But hey, hope you guys liked it~**


End file.
